I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
