i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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