I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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