im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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