Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The maid of honor just puked.
I puked a lego.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
