my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
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thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
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I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
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