yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
