I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
