speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You made out with two different species that night
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
