Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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