rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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