I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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