It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
