Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
sarcasm needs its own font
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
