WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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