i just wanna soil my oats bro
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
