My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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