My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
