I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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