my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
