She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
