So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
