I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
