i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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