i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
