just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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