Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
