god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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