im holly from the hills drunk
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
