eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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