you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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