I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
