don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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