i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
