The best revenge is premature balding
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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