Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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