ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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