you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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