shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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