Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
