Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
