I wish I could teleport
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
