dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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