My liver just broke up with me...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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