Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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