im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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