wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
