i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
