Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
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I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
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Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.