my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos