I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
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My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
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Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.