In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
