There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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