I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
