just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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