Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
