every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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