She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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