she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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