the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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