I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
